


Under This Moon

by AniRay



Category: The Handmaid's Tale (TV)
Genre: Emotional Trauma, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-15 15:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18502207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AniRay/pseuds/AniRay
Summary: "You're staring, June."She smiled. "You're hot, Nick."





	Under This Moon

She could hear them.

_‘They went this way…’_

Footsteps crashing through the underbrush.

_‘Go left, go left!’_

Dogs barking.

_‘I think I see something…’_

It was happening again.

_‘Stop! We will shoot!’_

“Mommy? Mommy, I’m scared.”

Hannah tripped over something. It was too dark for June to see what. The sun had set hours ago. The moon was hidden behind clouds and the trees that surrounded them stopped what little light that filtered past. June tightened her grip on Hannah’s hand. They were back at the beginning.

“I know baby. But we just have to stay quiet, okay?” Her breathing sounded harsh. They had been running for too long. But she tried to keep her voice calm. She tried not to let her fear show. “We’re almost there Banana. Just keep going, okay?”

Hannah’s whispered ‘okay’ broke June’s heart. But she was so proud of her little girl. She hadn’t complained once. She had stayed so quiet. And if June could have gotten her out any other way she would have. She never wanted Hannah to have to live through this again.

“Nick?”

Her heart was racing so fast her chest hurt. And her lungs burned from how hard she was breathing. But she kept moving. He didn’t answer, but she knew he was still behind her. She could hear him. She was too scared to turn around, though. She had done that the last time. They had caught her the last time. She kept her eyes forward.

“Keep going.”

Hearing his voice settled her mind even as she heard the dogs getting closer. Were they getting closer? Or was it her mind? Either way, she made herself go a little faster. Hannah gripped her hand harder. _She can’t run that fast, June, slow down._ But she didn’t have to. Hannah sped up just enough. She was so proud of this little girl.

June could see a break in the tree line. That was the border. She could see the border. She pulled Hannah to the left to avoid a tree. Then she went right. The ground changed a little. June could feel more rocks now, more roots as well.

_She felt herself slip. She hit the ground hard, Hannah landing on top of her. Hands grabbed at her- at Hannah. She tried to fight. She begged them not to take her baby. Someone pulled her back- held her down. She kicked them off, clawed her way across the ground. Then pain- exploding across her skull- behind her eyes. Vision going black._

That couldn’t happen again. They were so close. She could see it. She just had to keep going. She had to get Hannah to the border. “Nick, I can see it. I see the border. Hannah we’re almost there, baby. Okay?” Her words were almost incoherent. She could barely breathe let alone talk.

Then a gunshot.

She yanked Hannah to her. Pushed her in front of her. “Hannah, run. Run, baby, as fast as you can. Don’t stop, just run.” She kept her body between Hannah and any stray bullets. Close, but not too close. And her baby just ran faster. June could barely see her, but she heard how fast she was breathing and the beat of each little foot hitting the ground.

Another shot.

“Nick!”

“Just keep going, June.”

His voice sound weird. He sounded weird. Like…like he was in pain? Was he in pain? But she couldn’t turn around. She had to keep up with Hannah- she had to keep Hannah in her sight. And he was still behind her. She could still hear him behind her. They were so close. So close…

_‘I think I hit him. I saw him jerk.’_

What? It felt like her heart stopped. What? Her lungs were screaming- her head was pounding. She wasn’t even sure she heard them right. Did they mean Nick? Did they _shoot_ Nick? She turned her head. For a second- a split second.

Another shot.

She felt it. She felt it hit him.

She stopped running. She stopped breathing. It was like the world slowed down- almost stopped. She saw him. One hand out to catch himself. Landing on his side. Shoulder hitting the ground. Head hitting something- hard. She heard it.

“Mommy?”

Everything snapped back into focus. But she still couldn’t move. She couldn’t leave him there. She couldn’t let then take him. They would kill him. They would torture him and then they would kill him. But she had to get Hannah out. She had to get back to Holly. She had to get Hannah to the border. It was right there. But...he was _right there_.

“June. Go.”

She choked back a sob, head shaking frantically.

“Get Hannah out.”

Tears slid down her face.

“Please, June. Go.”

She stumbled back a step. Then another. She saw one of the dogs getting closer. The footsteps got louder. Then she turned. She started running. She saw Hannah- still running. June caught up to her- grabbed her hand. But her tears were blinding her.

Another shot.

They crossed the border.

-

A search party found his body. They didn’t even bother trying to hide it. Luke had told her not to go. He told her to wait for official photos to identify him. But she couldn’t. She needed to see it. She needed to see him.

_They crossed the border but June kept running._

_She kept going until she got to the safe house._

His face was so pale. It was startling against the black dirt. His hair was stiff from the cold. That was all she focused on. That was all she kept her eyes on. His face, his hair. Not the blood pooled on the grass beneath him. Not the holes the bullets had left in his shoulder- his chest.

_The door opened and she was begging.  For help- for someone to go back._

_For someone to go get him._

She started shaking. First her hands, then everywhere. He was so still. He was so _still._ She pulled at her shirt. Tried to get air in. But she couldn’t. It felt like there was something on her, something tight squeezing her chest.

_‘We’ll leave at first light….Let us get a team together….We’ll do everything we can…”_

She knelt on the damp ground next to him. He was cold. Nick was never cold. Had he been cold last night? Had he been scared? Did he die scared and cold? Was he alone? Did they leave him to die alone? Her head dropped to his chest. Her hands fisted the fabric of his shirt.

“I’m here. I’m here, Nick.” She felt her tears soak into his shirt. Her fingers started to ache from the cold and from how tightly she held his shirt. Her throat was sore from holding back sobs. “I love you,” she rasped. “I love you, Nick, I love you.” Her voice was breaking. She was breaking.

_'We’re so sorry…It was too late… We wouldn’t have been able to help him anyway…’_

How could she do this? How could she do this without him? How was she safe and he wasn’t? She was safe. Hannah was safe. Holly… “Oh, God, Holly.” A new pain erupted in her chest. “Oh please, God no. No, she has to know him. He has to know her.” The first sob broke free. It ripped through her. Tore her apart and left her empty. Cold. Then they wouldn’t stop.

Her head turned to the side as her body shook against his. She looked at his face, blurred from her tears. How many times had she dreamed about waking up to his face, his arms around her, just…him? How many times had she daydreamed about Holly bursting into their room, jumping on the bed in the morning? Nick smiling like an idiot at Holly’s messy curls. The two of them ‘making breakfast’ together.

“ _Please_ , Nick.”

Holly’s first Christmas. Holly’s first birthday. First steps, first word, first everything. He was supposed to see it. He was supposed to be there. With her, with Holly, _alive_. Not this. Never this. She never saw this. Never in her worst nightmares did she think that Nick being gone was possible. He was supposed to _be here._

_-_

Luke took her jacket off of her. He led her to the bathroom- turned the water on. He put her hands under the warm water. It hurt- her hands were too cold. She had been outside too long. She had been with him…

“Mommy? Did they find Mr. Nick?”

The pain hit her so fast. She gasped, stumble back a step.

Luke caught her before she could fall. “Hey Hannah, Mommy’s not feeling too good. Can you go watch Holly, please?”

She wanted to say 'no'. She wanted to tell him she was fine. But she couldn’t speak.  Everything was muted and too loud. Dull and bright at the same time.

The water went off. He dried her hands. He led her to the bedroom. Her feet stopped when he moved towards the bed.

_She laid across Nick’s bed, sheet wrapped around her loosely. Her eyes were on the naked man beside her._

_‘You’re staring, June.’_

_She smiled. ‘You’re hot, Nick.’_

“I don’t want to lie down.” Luke gave her a worried look. “Don’t make me lay down.” He steered her to the chair by the window.

_His curtains fluttered. She could see it from her window. She wondered what he was doing. Was he thinking about her? Was he reading?_

“No, not there.” She sank to the floor. Sat down in the middle on the room. Maybe if she stayed right there she wouldn’t see him. Maybe she wouldn’t feel him on her skin and under her ribs. She stared at the carpet. Her fingers moved lazily, absentmindedly.

N-I-C-K

N-I-C-K

N-I-C

She stared at what she had done. Stared until the tears blurred the image. Stared until the sobs wracked her body. Until it was too hard to sit up anymore. Then she stared at the ceiling. Stared at nothing. Her ribs hurt. Her head was pounding. Her eyes stung. Her heart… She couldn’t feel it anymore. No, she felt it. It was just empty.

She was empty.

-

She tattooed his name on her ring finger- where her wedding band used to be.

-

Holly was quiet- like him.

She always watched- like him.

She smiled like him- laughed like him.

Looked like him.

-

It got…better.

Maybe ‘bearable’ was a better word.

She missed him- not less…Differently? Differently.

-

She could still remember how his arms felt around her.

She could still remember the texture of his hair between her fingers.

She could still remember the way he said her name.

She still saw him every time she closed her eyes.

-

She still loved him.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't hate. I already hate myself. I'm sorry. My brain just...does things.


End file.
